Wondrous Disrobe Poker V5

The poker AI cheats. I don't mean it's good, I mean Eve folded a full house on turn three and I still can't figure out why. Maybe she felt sorry for me. I was down to my boxers and the other two, Mica and Alekta, were already topless, their pixel tits just... there. The whole thing feels like someone coded it during a lunch break and then spent the rest of the day on the reward videos. Those videos. Between levels you get these little FMV clips, grainy as hell, like they were filmed on a phone from 2016. The sound mixing is a war crime. But. There's this one with Alekta where she's doing this thing with her tongue and I forgot to blink for a solid minute. The game knows what it's doing. The card play is just busywork, a fidget spinner for your hands while your brain waits for the next unlock. I won a hand with a pair of twos because Mica decided to go all in on nothing. The logic is held together with tape. The character designs are that specific brand of uncanny where the boobs have their own gravitational field. Mica's back must hurt. Like, genuinely, I was worried about her spine. But then she does this little shimmy when she loses her skirt and suddenly I'm not thinking about anatomy anymore. The whole thing is a mess. The UI looks like a spreadsheet had a seizure. The text has typos. "You loose" it says, every time. I keep playing. I don't know why. The loop is just tight enough, the promise of the next video just dumb enough to work. It's not good poker. It's barely a game. But I'm still here, trying to figure out why Eve folded that full house.

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