Secrets of Heaven

The shower is running and there's a blonde with tits that could stop traffic just standing there, water dripping off her like she owns the place. I don't remember her name. I don't remember my name, honestly. The game opens with this perfect wtf moment, no tutorial, no hand holding, just wet skin and confusion. Classic blackout setup. You stumble out into the city trying to piece together last night through conversations that feel like pulling teeth from a very attractive, very naked dentist. The quest system is basically walk around, bump into women with improbable chest physics, and pick dialogue options that range from smooth to "did I really just say that." There's this one choice early on where you can either admit you remember nothing or pretend you're totally in control. Picked the second option and the girl's eyebrow went up so high I thought it'd leave her face. The writing has these moments of actual humor buried under all the jiggle. Not laugh out loud stuff, more like that snort you make when someone trips but catches themselves. The romance paths are about as deep as a puddle after light rain but hey, sometimes you're not here for depth, you're here because a blonde in a shower asked if you wanted to "refresh your memory." The story tries to be mysterious with this whole drug fueled amnesia angle but honestly I kept forgetting there was a plot between scenes. Which might be meta? Probably not intentional. The choice mechanics feel like they matter for about thirty seconds until you realize most roads lead to the same naked destination. Not complaining exactly. Just saying if you're expecting branching narratives that rival a Bioware game, adjust those expectations down. Way down. To where the big tits are. That's the sweet spot.

• blonde
• big tits
• story
• quest
• choice