Ass and Rollers

The first thing that hit me was the waitress’s face. Not in a poetic way, it’s just weirdly specific, like someone photoshopped a real photo onto a moving body. The uniform is tight, standard diner stuff but with buttons that seem to be fighting a losing battle. The whole point is you’re playing this arcade style number matching thing, and she strips. That’s the deal. No complex lore. My high score was 847 and she was down to just the little apron and a thong, the blonde hair kinda clipping through her shoulder. The reflex mechanic is brutal. You see a number, you tap it, and if you’re fast you get a combo. I choked on a 6 that looked like an 8, the font is terrible for this, and she just stopped, gave this blank stare, and pulled her skirt back up. The punishment for failure is immediate and unsexy. It’s like the game is actively mad at you for not having the fingers of a concert pianist. The pinup poses she does between stages are the only real reward, a little shimmy that’s more awkward than hot because her spine bends at a place I don’t think spines go. There’s a sound effect for a correct tap that’s just a stock camera shutter click. Every time. Click. Click. Click. It started to drill into my skull. I was trying to focus on the waitress’s chest, which is the whole marketing, but my brain was just counting down to the next click. The real model tag is doing heavy lifting, she looks like someone but I can’t place her, maybe from a banner ad I ignored in 2009. The strip sequence is linear, no branching, so you know exactly what piece comes off at 200 points, 400 points. The erotic part is supposed to be the striptease but the tension is just me versus my own twitchy thumb. I forgot what I was playing for halfway through and just wanted to beat level 3.

• real model
• uniform
• blonde
• reflex
• numbers