Cortas Platformer

Right, so the ship crash thing. Whatever. You've seen it before. The real question is what happens when the alien gets its grabby bits on you, and this game, this messy little bit-'em-up platformer, answers that with a frankly obsessive amount of detail. I spent way too long just letting it happen in the first level, the one with the neon green slimefalls, just to see how many different tentacle animations they actually drew. There's this one loop where a single, thinner tendril curls around the ankle before the bigger ones move in, and it's weirdly graceful. The sound design is all squelchy and wet, like someone stepping on a soaked sponge in slow motion, which is... a choice. It's not polished at all, the UI looks like it was built in a weekend, but that's the charm, right? Or maybe I'm just saying that because the actual combat is janky as hell. You've got your W A S D, your Space to punch, and Shift to aim. The aim mode, man, I don't know. It freezes you in place while you line up a shot, but the hitbox on the charging enemies is pure guesswork. I swear I once shot a projectile directly through a creature's center mass and it just kept running, its dick-sword swinging. Yes, the basic grunts have a literal dick-sword. It's that kind of parody. You can customize your character's look, which feels like a weird app I downloaded once, that one for making anime avatars but with more jiggle physics sliders. You spend ten minutes getting the bounce just right, then you're in the game and immediately swarmed by three horny plant-things. The arcade structure means you're just running right, punching, and trying not to get your clothes ripped off, which is the whole health system, by the way. Your armor is your consent. There's this one multi-path section in the fungal caves where I went left and got a scene with a stationary bulb creature that uses a paralytic spit. I thought, okay, I'll go right next time, find a power-up. Nope. Same bulb creature but with a different color palette and a slightly faster attack pattern. Lazy. But then the scene itself had a new angle, a close-up on the character's face as the aphrodisiac takes hold, and I completely forgot what I was complaining about. I wish the customization had more alien-hybrid options, but it won't. It's just hair and tit sliders. Anyway, the core loop is basically a hentai-themed smash TV where getting cornered is the whole point. You're not really trying to win, you're just trying to see all the game over screens. And there are a lot of them.

• arcade
• customization
• parody
• hentai
• tentacles