Protection Fellow

Condom as a power-up, not a health bar. That's the first thing that hit me. You grab a pack and suddenly the whole street is a menu. The game is this weird arcade hentai thing where you play a sleepless perv dodging cops and angry dogs while trying to hump every pair of tits that doesn't run away screaming. And most of them do run. The hitbox on the police is pure bullshit, they come from off screen like they got a personal grudge. The humor is actually the best part. The way the women panic, the way the maniac just waddles around with his pixel boner, it's so stupid it loops back to funny. Big tits everywhere, obviously, but the action is janky in a way that makes you laugh instead of rage. Except the dogs. Fuck the dogs. They're faster than they look and they don't give a shit about your condom supply. Sound design? Barely exists. Some beeps and a squish noise when you score. Honestly I played it on mute half the time and just imagined the Benny Hill theme. That made it better. The arcade loop is simple: leave house, avoid hazards, find a babe, press space, repeat. You'd think it gets old but the random placement of cops keeps you twitchy. One run I had three condoms and zero luck, just running in circles while a dog cornered me near a dumpster. Then a woman with massive pixel knockers walked right past and I missed the prompt because I was laughing at the dog's animation. It's not deep. It's not even good, technically. But as a five minute distraction while you're waiting for something else to load? Perfect. Just don't expect a story or any kind of progression beyond your own high score and maybe a new fetish for dodging law enforcement.

• arcade
• action
• big tits
• humor
• condom