Jordan 500 Stories: Shy Mike the Investor

Brooke’s face in the club scene is pure nightmare fuel and I can’t stop laughing. The game is Jordan 500 or whatever, this escort sim where you’re supposed to hunt rich dudes. The opening shot is Jordan’s massive pixel tits taking up half the screen while her friend’s eyes are looking in two different directions like a chameleon. I spent ten minutes just clicking through dialogue where they talk about finding a “perfect after party” but the real party is the broken animation when she tries to dance. Her arm clips through her own head and I lost it. The sex tape mechanic is where things get unhinged. You’re basically fumbling through minigames that feel like a bootleg Lesson of Passion title from 2006. The competition part makes no sense because the other escort, Brooke, just stands there frozen while you grind on some businessman whose face never changes expression. At one point Jordan’s boob just detached. Like, the whole thing floated off her chest for a solid three seconds during a blowjob scene and I had to pause because I was wheezing. The hot blonde tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting here, she’s more of a vaguely humanoid shape with hair that looks like yellow plastic. I can’t even be mad because the jank is the whole experience. There’s this one moment where you’re supposed to seal the deal with a rich guy and the dialogue option was just “money pls” with no punctuation. I clicked it and the screen cut to a jpeg of champagne glasses while a stock moan played. The escort fantasy is so absurdly presented that it circles back to being art. My only real complaint is that the club music loop is seven seconds long and it’s burned into my skull now. I hear it when I close my eyes. The game crashed when I tried to replay the tape scene but honestly that feels like a feature, not a bug.

• sex tape
• jordan 500
• hot blonde
• lesson of passion
• escort