House of Morecock in Moby Beefstick 1

Booting this up felt like finding a crusty old VHS under a sailor's bunk. The animation, oh god, it's got that specific Flash-era jank where a bicep will inflate to the size of a watermelon for exactly two frames before snapping back. There's a particular scene with a guy in a captain's hat that I swear his jaw unhinges like a snake. Not in a hot way, more like a glitch in the matrix. The voice acting is there too, this muffled, echoey grunting that sounds like it was recorded on a Nokia flip phone inside a tin can. It loops. It loops so badly. You'll hear the same "oh yeah" three times in a row and it stops being erotic and starts being a comedy sketch. The whole thing is set on this ocean cruise but the backgrounds are doing a lot of heavy lifting. A porthole here, a bit of railing there. Mostly it's just a flat color with these impossibly muscular men clipping into each other. The uniforms are a nice touch, tight whites that strain against pecs that have their own gravitational pull. But then you notice the hands. The fingers are just these weird fleshy mittens that never quite grip anything, just sort of hover and spasm. I spent way too long staring at a hand that was supposed to be squeezing an ass but looked more like it was trying to cast a spell. For a game called House of Morecock, you'd expect a certain level of, well, cock. It's there, rendered with the same bizarre anatomical creativity as the rest. There's a sequence in a cabin that's pure concentrated yaoi chaos, all tangled limbs and a bed that seems to exist in a different dimension than the characters. The humor tag is doing the real work here because I was cackling. Not with it, exactly, but at the sheer audacity of the whole production. It's a relic, a horny time capsule from a lawless era of the internet. You don't play this for a polished experience. You boot it up to witness the raw, unfiltered id of someone who just wanted to see big men fuck on a boat and didn't let minor things like anatomy or audio quality stop them. The muscle definition is just a series of lines drawn on a balloon animal. I wish the ship would sink, just to see how the engine would handle water physics. It wouldn't, but the thought is funny.

• muscular men
• voiced
• gay
• humor
• yaoi