Sonic Adventure XXX

The first thing that hits you is the music. It’s not the Green Hill Zone theme, but some royalty free jazz that loops badly and you can’t turn it off in the settings because there are no settings. I spent five minutes just clicking on Tails’ face on the menu screen because his expression doesn’t change and it started to feel like a threat. The game opens with Sonic and Tails in what I think is supposed to be a workshop. The text is machine translated, the kind where “chaos emerald” becomes “disorder gem” and suddenly you’re reading dialogue that sounds like a bad philosophy lecture. You click through, and the first choice is whether to follow Sonic or Tails. I picked Tails because I’m not a coward. The screen went black for a second and then he was just there, looking at me with those big eyes, and the first explicit scene started with no buildup. No tension. Just a text box saying something like “Tails wants to show you his twin tails” and then a static image that’s been stretched to fit the screen wrong. His fur texture looks like someone smeared peanut butter on a JPEG. The art is inconsistent in a way that loops back around to being fascinating. One scene will have Sonic looking almost on model, and the next he’s got proportions that remind me of those bootleg plushies you see at a carnival. There’s a moment where you’re in a bedroom with Amy and the background is just a photo of a real bedroom with the saturation cranked up, and she’s layered on top like a sticker. I laughed out loud. Then I kept clicking. The choices don’t branch so much as they just unlock different images in a gallery you can’t access from the main menu. I found that out by accident when I tried to go back and the game crashed my browser tab. Had to reopen it and start from the beginning. The second time I picked Sonic’s route and it was basically the same sequence of events but with different text, like a mad libs version of the same horny fanfiction. There’s a scene with Knuckles that I won’t describe but it involves the Master Emerald in a way that made me close my laptop and stare at the wall for a bit. I wish the game had a mute button. I really do. That looping jazz is still in my head.

• hentai
• tails
• parody
• sonic
• furry