Starlet Whores Assault Of The Stiffys

The whole thing looks like it was drawn on a napkin during detention and honestly that’s half the charm. Sexy Charlie, which is clearly just a parody where Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood gets mixed with Star Wars, doesn't give a single fuck about polish. The character models are hilariously jank, with tits so big they have their own gravitational pull. It’s the kind of unpolished where Scroda’s green skin looks like it was filled in with a highlighter, and Pimp Master Shaft, oh man, his pimp cane is a goddamn lightsaber and I can't. The deliberate scuff is the point. So you’re Skyfawker and you’re making choices that are about as subtle as a brick to the face. Do you join the dark side and get railed by Shaft while he drops lines so stupid they circle back to genius? Or do you get ‘trained’ by Oyawan in a threesome with Blowme that feels like a fever dream? I picked the princess Petme Analia route, because of course her name is that, and the scene where you ‘get to know’ her involves a lot of awkwardly positioned limbs and a dialogue tree where every option is basically a different way to say ‘yes, right there’. The choices don’t just branch the story, they crank the absurdity dial. Picking a submissive line gets you a description of being ‘force-choked’ in a way that has nothing to do with breathing. The sound design is like, one royalty-free moan loop that gets reused for everyone. It’s terrible. I love it. What lingers isn't the sex, which is about as erotic as a medical diagram drawn by a horny teenager. It’s the sheer commitment to the bit. The way a character will just stare directly at you with dead eyes while delivering a line about ‘midi-chlorians’ being an STD. You forget you’re playing a porn game and just start clicking to see what unhinged parody comes next. A pimp cane lightsaber duel that ends in a cumshot. Why not. The whole thing is a glorious, messy, inside joke that you’re not sure you’re in on, but you’re laughing anyway.

• funny
• charlie
• humor
• choice
• big tits