Game Of Boobs

Right, so the first quest is to find the tits. Not even joking. You click around this blurry map that looks like it was drawn by a toddler after three coffees, and the text just says "seek the royal bosom" or something equally profound. I clicked a bush for like five minutes straight, convinced I was solving a puzzle. Turns out the bush was just a bush. The boobs were in the castle. Obviously. The real models they used, oh man, some of them look so confused to be there, like they answered a casting call for a shampoo commercial and ended up in a parody where their character name is literally "Cersei's Chest". The dialogue is pure gold though, the kind where you read it out loud just to hear how broken it is. "I will give you my loyalty and also my big boobs if you conquer the north." I mean, direct. No time wasting. And then you become king, which takes about twelve clicks and a fight with a dragon that is just a jpg of a toy dinosaur. After that, it's just... a lot of scenes. Like, a lot. One minute you're deciding grain taxes, the next you're in a very detailed description of something that would make a Dothraki blush. The pacing is like a party where someone spiked the punch way too early. No buildup, just straight to the main event, every single time. There's a scene with a character who's supposed to be Daenerys but the text keeps calling her "Kelly C" which I think is a typo that nobody ever fixed. It's been there for years, probably. It's part of the lore now. I tried to play the strategic kingdom part, you know, bring peace and wealth like it says. But every time I clicked on "manage resources" it just looped back to a sex scene with a new character I hadn't even met yet. Like the game got bored of me trying to be a good ruler. It just wants to show you boobs. The whole thing runs in a browser tab, and my laptop fan kicked on like I was rendering a Pixar movie, for a game that's basically text and jpgs. I never did figure out what the "wealth" stat did. Maybe it unlocks bigger jpgs. I don't know. I just kept clicking on the dragon because it made a funny honk sound.

• parody
• fantasy
• text
• adventure
• big tits