Road to lust

Imagine the thick scent of cheap lemon soap and hot asphalt. This girl, right, she's got this tiny bikini that looks like it's losing a fight with physics, and she's just... leaning on my windshield, soap suds dripping down. The whole point is getting her naked by catching stuff. You drive along, or the car does, and these wheels and engine blocks with wings fall from the sky. I swear, a fucking engine block with a turbo, just plopping down. You swipe to collect them, each one makes her giggle and the top string just pings off. The jiggle physics here are less physics and more like two cats fighting in a sack, wildly entertaining. I remember getting three engines in a row and her bottoms just vanished, poof, and she does this little turn and sprays the hose right at the glass, water running down, and I'm just sitting there looking at my phone like a total degenerate. The catch is those red stop signs. Hit one and clonk, you lose a bit of the striptease progress, like she puts a damn towel back on. It's a silly arcade thing. The whole game has this feel of a sketchy browser game from 2006 that somehow got a fresh coat of paint, but not on the menus. The menus look like someone designed them in a spreadsheet. Why is the score font so boring? It's a tiny thing that bugged me. The model is real, by the way, not some drawing. A real woman, with a spray bottle, looking disappointed in me when I miss a wheel. Her expression when you catch something is this weird mix of "nice" and "I've been washing this one sedan for forty five minutes". Replay value is almost a joke. Once you've seen the full reveal, which doesn't take long once you get the rhythm, it's like... what now? You can do it again for a higher score I guess. I did, three times, because I'm a perfectionist and I thought there might be a hidden animation. There wasn't. Or was there? No, there wasn't. The sound is basically just a looping jazz piano track that sounds like it was recorded in an empty mall, and the sound effect for the stop sign is an actual car horn that made me jump the first time because I was wearing headphones. My fucking ears. So now I play on silent, staring at the weirdly hypnotic soap bubbles, trying to beat my own record in a car washing simulator with a topless lady who doesn't exist. The truck nuts I won online last week feel more real than this.

• catch
• arcade
• boobs
• real model
• sex