Texas Holdem GAMES
Everything Texas Holdem in one place. Choose from 4 games and jump straight in.
- striptease▶ INSERT COIN
Hold'em Poker with Malene
The whole thing feels like someone’s first Ren’Py project but with a real model instead of a cartoon, which honestly makes it weirder. Malene’s got that specific look, you know the one, like a page 3 girl who wandered into a badly lit studio apartment. Her tits are massive, obviously, and the game knows it. They’re just there, taking up half the screen while you’re trying to calculate pot odds. I folded a full house once because the animation for her removing the bra strap glitched and her elbow clipped through her own torso. Didn’t even care. The texas holdem engine is surprisingly functional though, which is the real mindfuck. It tracks blinds, lets you check-raise, the AI doesn’t just shove with nothing. I’ve played worse actual poker apps on the app store. The striptease mechanic is tied to winning hands, which creates this bizarre tension where you’re actually sweating a river card not for the chips but because you’re three wins away from seeing nipple. And when you finally do, the image is just... a jpeg. A slightly compressed one. No fancy transition, just a picture of Malene looking off-camera like she’s thinking about her grocery list. The blonde hair is aggressively bright, almost neon, like a visual glitch. I spent twenty minutes trying to get a straight flush and the payout was a shot of her in generic lace panties that looked like it was taken on a Motorola Razr. The whole thing is basically a slideshow with a card game bolted on. The real model tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting here because the hentai tag is a straight up lie, there’s no drawing anywhere. Just this one British woman and her unblinking stare. The erotic part, I don’t know, maybe if you’ve got a thing for being mildly intimidated while you play cards. The strip sequence order seems random too, like the game forgot where it was. One minute you’re seeing a shoulder, the next it’s full frontal, then back to a sock being removed. Makes no sense. But the poker’s good.
- xxx game▶ INSERT COIN
SEP-Heather Poker
Got tired of blackjack and classic casino poker? After that attempt texas hold 'em casino poker! Plainly this is a variant of casino poker in which some of the cards are placed in the open for both gamers and this gives a lot of variants for approach and not simply pure good luck. What has actually not chnaged though is your challenger - once again it is one warm looking lady that is ready to pay with her clothes for her failings!
- strip▶ INSERT COIN
SEP-Tabitha Poker
The razor thing is such a weird hook, right? Like, you come home, need to shave your junk for a date, and your housemate Tabitha is sitting on the stairs with the last razor in the house. She needs it for her own stuff because swimming. Fine. But then she gets this look, and suddenly it's Texas holdem for the razor, and the real prize is seeing each other naked. The setup is dumb in the best way, like a porno script written by someone who actually had this argument once. The poker itself is stripped down, no pun intended. You play hands against her, and when you win, she loses clothes. When she wins, you lose yours. The photo set is real human model stuff, so it's not some animated fantasy, it's a woman actually doing the awkward "I'm shy but also showing you my tits" face. That's the charm. The card game is simple enough that you don't need to know poker beyond basic hand rankings, but the AI doesn't cheat too badly. I lost three hands in a row once because I kept chasing a flush, and she just sat there with a pair of eights, smug as hell. What I wish was different: the strip pacing. You win a hand, she takes off one thing. You win again, another thing. But the dialogue between hands repeats a lot, like she has three lines and cycles them. I get it, budget, but after the fourth "I've never seen a shaved one before" I started clicking faster. Also the final reveal is good but then it just ends. No bonus round, no extra photos. Just a "thanks for playing" vibe. The kind of player who gets the most from this is someone who likes the idea of a real woman doing a strip poker scenario but doesn't want to deal with a cam site or a full visual novel. It's a quick hit. You're in, you play maybe ten hands, you see some bush, you're out. No install, no signup, just browser. The photos are decent quality, not studio perfect, which honestly makes it feel more like a leaked phone gallery than a professional shoot. That's a compliment, I think. Rating: out of five. The razor emoji is doing a lot of work there.
- real human▶ INSERT COIN
SEP-Mia Poker
The whole thing plays like somebody coded it during a power outage. Mia, the sister in law, she stands there with this frozen expression that's supposed to be shy but looks more like she just smelled something off. The dialog boxes pop up with typos that somehow make the situation more ridiculous - "embarrassingly explains" is actually how they describe her talking about a poker chip stuck up her ass. I couldn't stop laughing at the wrong moments. Graphics are real model photos but they're compressed to hell, like someone ran them through a JPEG grinder from 2003. Her different states - clothed, topless, whatever - they don't transition smooth at all. One click she's smirking with cards, next click suddenly her tits are out and the lighting changed completely. The poker part uses Texas Holdem rules but the AI opponent plays like it learned strategy from a fortune cookie. Sometimes she folds with pocket aces, other times she goes all in with a 7-2 offsuit. Makes no goddamn sense. I won a hand and the next photo loaded halfway and stuck there, her face half rendered while the text below kept going about how wet she was getting. The writing though, I gotta admit the setup is so stupid it circles back to entertaining. She actually says seeing you naked should make her wet enough for the chip to fall out on its own. That's medical advice from a porn script and I respect the commitment to the bit. But then the game forgets its own premise midway through. Where's the chip? Did it fall out? We just keep playing cards and she keeps getting nakeder and nobody mentions the original problem again. Like the writer had a deadline or got distracted. I spent way too long trying to figure out if the difficulty setting does anything. Three rounds in and she just kept losing on purpose I swear, then suddenly cleaned me out in two hands. The site URL shows up at the bottom like it's 2005 and I'm on Newgrounds. At one point I clicked something and the whole browser tab went white for a solid minute. When it came back she was in a different pose entirely and I'd apparently won clothes from her? I dunno. The sound doesn't work. Not that it's bugged, there just isn't any. Complete silence except my own confused breathing.