Friendly Poker

The whole thing runs on a weird cheat system. Friendly Poker, right? It says you can see the cards in the deck. Not like a hint, not like a probability meter. You literally click a button and the deck fans out face up. So you just wait for a royal flush. Every hand. The blonde dealer, some real model they scanned or whatever, she keeps dealing and losing her clothes while you pick the exact cards you need. It feels like debugging a slot machine more than playing cards. The striptease part is where it gets strange. She does this little dance between hands, taking off one thing at a time. The arcade style score counter in the corner keeps ticking up but it doesn't matter. You can't lose. I sat there clicking the royal flush button for maybe twenty minutes watching her go from a cocktail dress to nothing. The animations are stiff, like someone moved a mannequin frame by frame. Her hair clips through her shoulder during the bra removal scene. I laughed out loud. Not in a mean way, it just caught me off guard. The erotic tag is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. The model is attractive, sure, but the whole thing has this uncanny valley feel. Like looking at a photograph that's been stretched wrong. The poker mechanics are completely broken by design. Why even call it poker? It's more like a vending machine where you press a button and get a titty. I kept playing though. Something about the janky animations and the dead eyed stare of the dealer made me curious what the next piece of clothing would look like when it clipped through her body. The sound design is just a loop of casino ambience that cuts out abruptly when she talks. Her voice lines don't match her mouth at all. It's like a badly dubbed movie. I think the game knows it's broken and just leans into it. Or maybe it doesn't know. Hard to tell with these things.

• striptease
• arcade
• real model
• blonde
• erotic