Armor Girls

The laser crossbow feels like a cheap toy, honestly. There's this slight delay after you click, just enough to make you miss the fast ones. And the hitboxes, don't get me started. I swear I shot right through a girl's shoulder three times in a row and nothing happened. She just kept throwing those spinning blade things. But then I clipped her hip, a spot that looked exactly like the rest of her armored skirt, and a chunk of the metal just evaporated. That's the whole gimmick, right there. So these ancient fighters, all real model photos by the way, not drawings, are wearing this heavy, ridiculous armor. You're basically playing a static shooting gallery, like a horny version of those old flash arcade games. A blonde one, I think her name was something like Lyra but I already forgot, she has this attack where she jumps and the screen shakes. Missed the secret point on her chest plate four times during that. The game doesn't tell you where these points are, you just have to pixel hunt while she's trying to slice you up. Sometimes a bit of her armor breaks off and it's just... a shoulder. Or a knee. The striptease isn't some smooth animation, it's more like you chip away the layers. One minute she's a tank, the next she's fighting in her underwear looking furious. The contrast is what gets me. She's still hurling projectiles but now you can see the sweat on her stomach from the photo. The minigame loop is brutally simple. Shoot, dodge, don't get hit, try to find the magic spot that makes her bra strap snap. I got stuck on a level with two of them at once. Kept dying because I was too focused on trying to get the one on the left's leg armor off completely. She had this little gap right above her knee guard and I became obsessed with it. Totally ignored the other one filling me with arrows. The arcade shooter part is honestly kind of punishing, the difficulty spikes weirdly. One boss is a breeze, the next just spams projectiles. But then you finally hit the right pixel and a whole breastplate falls off, and you forget about the cheap crossbow for a second. It's a mess, but it's a mess that knows exactly what it's doing.

• striptease
• arcade
• real model
• blonde
• minigame