Sohos Ep. 3

The ice cube. That's where my brain just stopped. Not the coke, not the tampons up the nose, which honestly is a look I didn't know I needed for my Friday night, but the slow, deliberate insertion of ice into a supermodel's ass. Claudia Schiffer, digital edition, fresh from her big break with some famous photographer whose name I already forgot, comes home and just... ices herself. The animation here is so janky it loops like a broken GIF from 2004, her face frozen in this blank Barbie stare while her hand goes back and forth, back and forth. I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my vape. Is this what they mean by method acting? The bathroom setting is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Tiles that look like they were drawn in MS Paint, a bathtub that exists purely as a suggestion, and Claudia just going about her business. There's this dildo scene that feels almost apologetic, like the game is embarrassed to be showing it. The model work is bizarre, her proportions shifting between frames like someone kept adjusting the sliders mid-render. At one point her hair, which is very blonde, very much giving 90s supermodel fantasy, clips through her shoulder and I just sat there watching it, mesmerized. The humor is definitely not intentional but that makes it better, you know? Like finding a moldy strawberry in the punnet and eating it anyway because you paid for them. Lesbian content shows up and it's somehow both the most explicit and the least sexy thing I've ever clicked through. Two plastic bodies rubbing together with all the passion of a furniture assembly instruction. And yet. And yet I kept clicking. There's something about watching a broken simulation of Claudia Schiffer shove a dildo where the sun don't shine while tampons dangle from her nostrils that rewires your expectations. The game never explains the tampons. They're just there. A silent testament to a crazy night. I respect that commitment to nonsense. The photographer contract is mentioned once and then abandoned like a side quest you forgot to save before quitting. What was his name? Doesn't matter. Ice cube. That's the real star here.

• lesbian
• humor
• animation
• bathroom
• sohos