Pirates of the Caribbean

The puzzle pieces don't fit. I mean, literally, the puzzle pieces in this thing, they have these weird jagged edges that sometimes just refuse to connect even when you've got the image right. I spent like four minutes on one section, just dragging the same corner piece around while Elizabeth Swann's tits bounced in the background. That's the whole framing device, by the way, a jigsaw puzzle. You complete sections and it unlocks these animated scenes. It's not a game so much as a fidget toy for your dick, which, okay, fine, we're all adults here. The art is... committed. Someone really, really wanted to draw Elizabeth Swann with proportions that would make a Pixar mom file a restraining order. Her back must hurt. The Jack Sparrow caricature is barely recognizable, he looks like a melted candle that somehow grew a bandana. Will Turner is just sort of there, a cardboard cutout with abs. The whole thing has this unpolished, almost frantic energy, like it was drawn in a single caffeine-fueled weekend. And yet, I kept clicking. The "threesome" scene, if you can call it that when the two guys are basically background props, has this one frame where the anatomy just completely breaks down. Her leg bends in a way that suggests a bonus knee. I couldn't look away. It's like a car crash where the cars are fucking. The sound design is just a single looping ocean wave track that doesn't even sync with the action. You'll be watching a creampie scene and it's just... serene beach noises. It's so jarring it circles back around to being avant-garde. Is it a commentary on the emptiness of lust? Probably not. The boxing tag is a lie, by the way, nobody throws a punch. Unless you count what happens to Elizabeth's cervix. The whole thing is a mess of horny energy and broken pixels, a digital sticky magazine where the pages are glued together with something that isn't glue. I hated the puzzle mechanic. I finished every single one.

• anal
• jack sparrow
• threesome
• feminine
• sex tape