Beef in the City

Right so I boot up this thing called Beef In The City and honestly the name alone sounds like a bad energy drink from 2005. The whole vibe is supposed to be this gritty criminal underworld in a place called Grand Vena, which is basically every GTA knockoff city ever but now with real photos of pornstars pasted in. The contrast between the text adventure parts and then suddenly a full on cumshot photo is so jarring I laughed out loud the first time. Not sure that was the intended reaction. The RPG elements are there I guess, you make choices about climbing the gangster ladder, but half the time I'm just clicking through dialogue about drugs and territory while waiting for the next explicit scene. There's this one moment where you have to decide between shaking down a club owner or working with him and the erotic tension is built entirely through text descriptions that read like someone used Google Translate and then just gave up halfway through. The real model photos are a mixed bag, some are actually decent quality and others look like they were compressed through seventeen different messaging apps before ending up here. The humor is unintentional gold though, the way the dialogue tries to sound tough while setting up the next sex scene is genuinely funny in a so bad it's good way. I spent way too long trying to figure out if there was actual strategy to the criminal empire building or if it's just a linear path with the illusion of choice. Still not sure honestly. The simulator tag is doing some heavy lifting, feels more like a visual novel that forgot to hire a writer. The photo sets will just pop up out of nowhere, like you're reading about a drug deal and bam, explicit content. No buildup, just full send. It's the kind of thing where you can tell the developers had a specific vision but the execution is held together with duct tape and horny energy. Which, fair enough.

• erotic
• humor
• text
• pornstar
• simulator