Get Me Pregnant

Patricia’s hair is so aggressively blonde it looks like it’s been sponsored by a peroxide company that hates subtlety. The 3d models have that special Lesson of Passion jank, where everyone moves like they’re slightly underwater and their skin has the texture of a melted candle. I spent an unreasonable amount of time just staring at her husband’s wedding photo in the background, a tiny pixelated ghost of bad decisions past, while the dialogue box kept asking me if I wanted to be a “good friend” or a “very good friend.” The choices are about as subtle as a brick through a window. The whole setup is this gloriously trashy soap opera. Patricia can’t get pregnant with her husband, so naturally, the only logical solution is to call up Tim, her husband’s best friend from high school who she’s never fucked before. The game doesn’t even pretend this is a difficult moral quandary. You click, she pouts with her massive, physics-defying tits, and Tim stands there with the dead-eyed stare of a man who’s seen the inside of a 3d rendering software and found only emptiness. There’s a moment where you pick a line about “helping her relax” and the animation that follows is so stiff it looks like two action figures being mashed together by a vengeful toddler. I laughed so hard I choked on my drink. The various endings are a trip. One minute you’re a sperm donor with a heart of gold, the next you’re a homewrecker who’s somehow made the situation even more awkward by catching feelings. The story is pure, uncut nonsense and I mean that as the highest compliment. It’s like the game forgot it was supposed to be sexy and just became a documentary on terrible communication skills. The blonde hair bounces with a mind of its own, completely independent of the rest of her head. I can’t stop thinking about that wedding photo. It’s the most tragic character in the whole thing, just sitting there, witnessing the premeditated destruction of a marriage with a frozen smile.

• blonde
• choice
• big tits
• story
• lesson of passion