Miami Spice

The whole thing feels like someone spilled cheap tequila on a VHS copy of Miami Vice and then decided that was a good enough reason to make a game. Bony and Tubbs, right? They're here, sort of, if you squint and ignore that Tubbs looks like he got lost on the way to a different beach. The sand is aggressively yellow. The water is a blue that doesn't exist in nature. It's perfect. You're mostly clicking through scenes that feel like they were storyboarded on a napkin. There's a bikini contest, obviously, because what else would there be. Cheech and Chong show up as judges. I don't know why. They just stand there, looking like melted wax figures of themselves, while the real action is Bony aggressively, and I mean aggressively, plowing some big titted sunbather behind a lifeguard tower. The sex is rough, hard, the kind of pixelated slamming that makes you worry about spinal alignment. The sound is... well, there's a looping synth beat that will burrow into your skull and lay eggs. I wish the masturbation scene wasn't just a five second loop of a woman awkwardly touching herself while staring directly into your soul with dead fish eyes. It's the kind of unpolished that circles back around to being hypnotic. You keep clicking, hoping for a new angle, a different grunt, anything. It never comes. But then Bony is back, and he's found another woman in a thong bikini who seems equally surprised and resigned to her fate. The whole thing has the energy of a fever dream you'd have after eating gas station ceviche. I forgot to mention the actual plot, something about working a beat and Charlie, but honestly who cares. The tits are massive and defy physics in a way that feels almost religious. An eldritch geometry of flesh. Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn, and also, nice rack.

• big tits
• sex
• miami
• bikini
• hard sex