Whores of Thrones Strip Game

Blowing a load in Cersei’s smug face is not the deep political intrigue I expected from something calling itself a game of thrones parody. But there I was, cards scattered, watching her pixel tits bounce with that stupid, condescending smirk frozen on her CGI face. The blackjack is... fine. Absolutely basic. Hit, stand, the dealer cheats like a motherfucker sometimes, just like the real thing. You don't play this for the card game, though. You play it to see Daenerys hike up her dress. The art is that special kind of uncanny valley hentai, where the bodies are hyper-detailed with glossy skin and weirdly articulated spines, but the faces look like a melted wax sculpture of the actress. I got a blackjack and the game just... glitched. Card flew off the screen and the striptease animation triggered anyway. Honestly, it improved the experience. I found myself actually trying to lose. Not for the strategy, but because the win condition is watching a woman who looks vaguely like a medieval fantasy extra peel off a single piece of clothing with the enthusiasm of a DMV clerk. The whole thing is framed as a visual novel, which is a lie. The dialogue is a few lines of badly translated trash talk before you’re back to hitting on a soft 17 against a busty elf queen. You don’t get a story. You get a sequence of jpegs that you unlock by draining the dealer’s chip tray. There’s a weird fixation on the stripping mechanic, like the dev just discovered what transparency layers do in Photoshop. The CG is stiff, the cards slap down with a generic sound effect that gets annoying after three hands, and I’m pretty sure one of the characters is just a pallet-swapped version of another. It’s a strip blackjack game with a fantasy paint job. That’s all. No clever Game of Thrones parallels, no witty writing. Just fap fuel for people who want to see Sansa’s tits without the boring parts. And you know what? The dopey, clumsy delivery of exactly that, with zero pretense, is kind of refreshing. It doesn't try to be a real game. It’s a wank simulator with a side of gambling, and the jank is the personality. The music loop, though. That needs to be shot into the sun.

• fantasy
• game of thrones
• cg hentai
• striptease
• card game